The Liuliu Mid Autumn Festival Story

This is the hilarious version of Mid Autumn Festival/Lantern Festival/Mooncake Festival story I read few years back written by Dr Liew. I'm not the author of this story but I edit the story here and there to made it more interesting (tambah garam & tambah cuka). The original post is no longer available online (deleted by the author for unknown reason). Pour yourself a glass of iced honey green tea, sit back and enjoy the story while munching on the lotus paste with kuaci and salted yolk mooncake. Hope you enjoy the setoli :)

Once upon a stupid time, on one fine stupid day, ten liuliu stupid suns came up on the stupid sky. These stupid sun were none other than the sun brothers. So the earth was scorched. Imagine 10 suns (my goodness). I think if you pee outside, you get instant grilled lap cheong or BBQ lobak. (So, watch out.. don't simply pee everywhere). The ko lian people were dying of dehydration, heat stroke, starvation (what to do? The paddy field dried up mah) and probably spontaneous combustion too. (Okay okay, I made that up).

So there was this fellow called Hou Yi (后羿), who climbed up one liuliu high mountain and shot down nine of the suns with his arrows. Wahahaha. (Lidat also can?) Some said the God became damn angry and banished Hou Yi to suffer on earth. For the suns were the God's sons. I think He should practise birth control, like wearing dom-dom, vasectomy or some other thing lah. so many anak... (shake head).

On earth, Chang Er (嫦娥) fell for Hou Yi's heroism and got married to him. Maybe he played dirty Cupid and shot her heart (I dunno). Chang Er was said to be a maid in the God's palace who got banished to earth because she broke a vase or something.

However, Hou Yi somehow got his hand on this pill of immortality. Some said he got it as a prize for his heroic act from some Ah Soh called Wang Mu Liang Liang (王母娘娘), the big God's mother. Some said he turn cruel and killed thousands of children to make that pill himself (You think leh? which version?).

And then one day, dunno how, Chang Er got her hands on that Viagra... ooops, I mean immortality pill. Maybe she couldn't stand Hou Yi's cruelty and wanted to sabo (sabo means sabotage loh) him, maybe she was curious, maybe kay poh or maybe drunk, or maybe.. whatever lah.. So she swallowed the pill. Then she became high, I mean feeling lighter and lighter, and floated to Cloud 9 the Moon, staying in the liuliu Moon Palace.

On the moon, Chang Er found a cute rabbit, the Jade Rabbit (玉兔) and forced it to make antidote for her. Thus sometimes you can see a rabbit pounding herbal medicine on the moon. But some said it's Mashimaro pumping a jammed toilet (you know Mashimaro, don't you? Neh... The slit-eyes, plump cunning Korean rabbit).

And if you stare at the Moon long enough (till u feel sleepy) during the liuliu Mooncake festival, you can probably see some not-so-clever man by the name of Wu Kang (吴刚) chopping some kind of stupid tree (桂树) there. It was said that Wu Kang wanted to become a fairy (err...aren't fairies female?) Maybe he's gay or transvestite. Anyway, he got conned by the guru. The guru bluffed him that if he manage to chop down the tree, he will become a fairy. But the damn tree will heal itself everytime Wu Kang stop and have a fag.

The tree would need 300 continuous chops to bring it down. (See? 300 continuous chop !! Don't play-play).. But this Wu Kang doesn't have this stamina. Whenever he stops, the tree heals itself. And Wu Kang is also bad in mathemathic. Never go to school mah, what to expect? Sometimes he counted wrongly too, more over the neighbouring damn rabbit's pounding sound also distracts him.

Wu Kang : *chop* "Two hundred and twenty one." *chop* "Two hundred and twenty two."

Mashimaro : *pound pound pound*

Wu Kang : *chop* "Ehr..." *scratch head* "Two hundred and... and... and..."

Then the tree heals itself.

Wu Kang : "What the...!!! Shut up, stupid rabbit!" *throw axe at Mashimaro*

Mashimaro : *throw toilet scuker at Wu Kang*

So there they go, on & on..... no ending one, till today....

~ to be continued (next year).....